words of wisdom

Regardless of where you lie politically, you can’t really argue the fact that the White House’s invasion of Iraq has been waning in popularity. I know, I know: it wasn’t an invasion, it was a liberation – just like when the Germans liberated Poland from their, um… well it was a Polish government, and how much worse can that get? My point is, you can point fingers at all kinds of “reasons” for this decline in approval, but those “reasons” are really just superficial fluff that clouds the mind of logic. Does it really matter that there are no weapons of mass destruction? Does it really matter that we summarily stampeded into a country and executed the leaders’ relatives who held political office? Would anyone really care or mind (especially us Floridians) if someone did that to our leader’s relatives who hold political office?

No. The problem the White House really has, is they can’t and don’t sell. Say what you want about our last commander in chief, but he could sell you a pile of bat guano like it was chocolate mousse, and by the time he was done, you’d be asking for seconds and paying him $20 an hour just to remind you why you like it so much. But W… sigh. Finesse is one thing, but somehow I just get the impression he doesn’t care what I think.

Example: this guy was so concerned about his popularity after he got elected, did he actually try to convince us to like him? No. He handled it like a frat boy and paid everyone $300. (Betcha forgot about that one, didn’t you? You liked him a whole lot. Admit it, you thought he was the coolest – at least for that second when you were at the liquor store with a $300 federally endorsed check.) Now, I bet he wishes he had another $300 per citizen.

Another example: the Kyoto treaty. Historically, I think the last person who cumatively pissed off that many people in both his own country and around the world in one hour was Joe Stalin. Dude, even Nixon had more couth.

And, just for kicks, let’s also mention these weapons of mass destruction, which are apparently as elusive as they are dangerous. “Hey, wasn’t there an ICBM there a second ago? Dammit, I swear I just saw it. Now I’ll never find it again.” The only thing more hidden than these weapons are the evidence that they were ever there to begin with, perhaps the greatest White House mystery since Dick Cheney’s Energy Commission attendance sheets. Hmm… coincidence?

So, what I recommend to the White House is some quality control on the crap they give us. Don’t get me wrong – this White House has gone above and beyond in creating and dispensing quantity. If you could put a price per pound on it, there’d be enough to pay off this whole invasion plus the debt that we’ve run into since the last election. But I demand a little quality dammit. At least make me think that’s you’re spitting on your fist. I’ll even start the ball rolling.

Shock and awe.

This was a great idea, for about 38 seconds, and then the White House blew a great opportunity.

“Mr. President, what is your strategy–”
“Shock and awe!”
“But how are you going to get Mr. Hussein–”
“Shock and awe!”
“General, do you have any–”
“Shock and awe!”
“Mr. Attorney Gen–“

Okay, so it sounded cool. Problem was, you couldn’t use it in a sentence. The Associated Press was not going to say, “The 101st attacked them with shock and awe.” It’s clunky. “Awe” can be changed to awesome, but that’s not quite the tone you want to set. And what do you do with “shock”? Shock-filled, full of shock, shocking? Nope doesn’t do it for me, and I’ll bet the White House (led by possibly the most unqualified wordsmith in history) found that out, too. Here’s what they should have done: shockandawlicious.

“Mr. President, can you describe the 101st’s complete annihilation of a mosque today?”
“It was shockandawlicious.”

“Today, the Marines shockandawliciously burnt a whole village full of suspected terrorists.”

Granted, the time has passed to play the shockandawlicious card. But perhaps if the White House spent a little more time actually trying to sell it’s unbelievably stupid actions, then maybe we the people would be a little more behind the liberation of this axis of evil.

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10 thoughts on “words of wisdom

  1. but that leaves out the awe. and it’s also kind of klunky. You can’t really make an adverb out of it. Besides, shockandawlicious is great advertising. Imagine a federally funded cereal with little sugar coated oil barrels and bunkerbusters. I can already see Ashcroft, mouth full of cereal, drooling milk down his chin: “It’s shockandawlicious!”

  2. Actually, that would just be the tag-line on the box. “Now with more weapons of mass destruction.” Or better yet, that would be the special prize in the box. Of course there wouldn’t be anything in there, which would be the fun of looking for it. Maybe every 100th box would be a little cellophane packet with a subpoena for a search and seizure of your property, or a free one-way B-52 flight to Guantanamo Bay!

  3. Then we could tie it in with a series of toaster pastries that feature that naked burning Vietnamese chick on the box. Napalm-poppers! They’re Bomb-astic!

    And when shockandawelicious cereal sales start to flag, you can always add the “new mangled baby dicks” prize to the package, kinda like how Lucky Charms added the purple horseshoe in the 80s.

  4. Nice. Though I recommend the mangled baby dicks come dried with packages of Placenta Helper.

    But back to the cereals, y’know Al Qaida could use some pr help as well. How bout a cereal with little Boeings and buildings. It can be “terrorific”! “Now with more anthrax!”

    BTW – speaking of the scapegoat of the decade, there is NO evidence that they’re the ones that blew up that UN building last week. Know who did? No, neither does anyone else.


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