Rumsfeld Proves Iraq Vastly Improving

From today’s Associated Press:

Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld stated today at a press conference from the Pentagon that the death rate for American troops in Iraq has plummeted drastically.

“105 American troops died in October. That’s a little more than three a day, or one every seven hours or so. But yesterday [November 1], the first American soldier wasn’t recorded dead until 9:30 a.m. That’s barely two a day. So, clearly at that rate, our troops will stop dying, reverse the curve and start repopulating the Middle East with good white Christian children by New Years’. So everyone can just back off and stop worrying about Iraq. It’s complicated, but it’s already improving. So the next person who asks about the ‘plan’ can just shut the fuck up.”

When asked about the consistent death rate of Iraqis, Secretary Rumsfeld said, “Look, Iraq doesn’t even count their dead, which tells me that either they aren’t dying or the Iraqi government doesn’t care. And if they’re not dying and they don’t care, then why are you people pestering me with this? I just proved to you that we’re saving American lives, and you keep insisting on asking me questions about people that haven’t died that no one cares about. You people just need to back off. This is complicated. And the next person who asks me about the ‘plan’ is getting their nuts wired to a car horn, which I can legally do now, because it’s legal now, not that it wasn’t legal before.”

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