I am so sick of the news

Okay, so maybe it’s just been a long, slow, dull, rusty dentist’s drill of a news week. That still doesn’t mean I need it proven for yet another week that Murphy’s Law applies to world affairs. Is being a dickhead contagious in the international community?

Several rants here, mostly because it’s a bunch of stuff that no one is saying. I haven’t been hated publicly in awhile, so I guess I’m due. Here we go:

Cuba
I’m glad Castro’s alive, just so I don’t have to hear every news outlet desperate for a new country to cover, sprawling itself spread eagle for a bunch of pointless forecasting.

And the White House just fuels it. “Well, Castro’s going tits up. Now Cuba will be free!”

No. It won’t. And fuck every naïve dipshit in Miami who is quoted on NPR for saying, “if only the people in Cuba would rise up.” Sure. 47 years of this crap – why didn’t they think of that earlier?! Note: when the leader of a country wears a military uniform to work, there ain’t no risin’ up.

ANYTHING that the US says remotely negative about Castro and how he runs Cuba is jet fuel in Castro’s propaganda fire. They are all convinced that the US is standing by the helm to overthrow the country, and given the way the US has handled everything in the past 50 years, it’s not hard for them to see it that way. When word spread that Castro was ill, Bush jumped at a chance to vomit a bunch of crap that Castro could just say, “See, the warmongering honkey wants to kill us.” Next time, just send a card and some flowers. Seriously. Doesn’t mean you mean it. But lets face it: will repeating the same thing that’s been said and done in the past half-century really change anything? Change it up. And don’t give him anything to use against anyone.

As far as Raul goes…. By virtue of the fact that the guy has been Fidel’s personal bell hop all this time, something tells me the guy isn’t going to kick the Little Red Book to the curb and start quoting Adam Smith the first time he gets a chance. His last name is fucking Castro! He’s not as bad as Fidel? Yeah, and I’m sure some genius said, “Hey, y’know that Khrushchev guy ain’t as bad as Stalin.” That doesn’t mean anything to me. Stop assuming that problems are solved as soon as the douchebag buys the farm.

Israel
Israel Israel Israel. Remove all the bombs, the missiles, the kidnappings, dead children, devastated land in both Lebanon and Israel – all the evil destruction. Delete all that, and you have a high school soap opera. It’s two obstinate, stubborn varsity players, fighting over a chick they both hate. This is stupid.

Hezbollah – you bunch of assholes. Stop digging tunnels under other people’s borders and give back the soldier you kidnapped. That’s not a bartering chip for your peeps in Israel’s jails. You stole it in blind daylight. You’re not fooling anyone. You have a 20% stake in a government that apparently can’t control you. Use it. Otherwise, what’s the point in being in the government?

Israel – you indignant knobs. Enough with the relentless bombing. I know you can’t tell the difference between civilians and guerrilla fighters. That’s what makes them guerrillas. Just be happy you’re not Lebanon, and enough with the fake war. Take a note from your pseudo-buddy in the White House, look at the ginormous clusterfuck he’s bequeathing his successor in 2008 and get the fuck out. Now. You got to know when to fold them.

Everyone else – wow. Talk about not agreeing on the color of shit. A UN peacekeeping force led by France? Sure. Why not? And while we’re at it, why don’t you put $10K on Richard Simmons winning an Ultimate Fighting Championship, too.

The US – A sustainable cease-fire? So… you’re up for a cease-fire once both sides… cease… fire? Fuck you. Oh, and by the way, Condi – nice job on your trip to Rome. Let’s sum up:

  1. You took a surprise trip that the White House announced would happen a week before you left
  2. You gave no international credence to one of the sides
  3. Beirut told you to not bother and you didn’t even make it into the country, and
  4. You came home announcing that Israel would lay off the fireworks, which would have been great press, if Israel wasn’t bombing the shit out of Lebanon when that hit the wire.

Good stuff. Maybe we should take some smaller bites next time. How ‘bout you head up to the Dakotas and figure out what all this North and South stuff is about.

Mel Gibson
Can OJ kill someone again? Please? This. Is. Not. Important.

Okay, he hates Jews. I get it. And I don’t care. He was drunk. He knows it, and he knows he’s got a problem. Question: would anyone make this much of a stink about it, if he said the same about Muslims instead?

Iraq
Pulling out is stupid. This isn’t a pride thing. But it is slightly unethical to drop by, fuck the place up even worse than it was before, and then leave. This is a good place to get the French to sign up to get shot at.

Yes, the people who put us there are criminally stupid. They not only are unqualified, but they’re harmful. However, consider the following:

  1. Iraq is not on the brink of a civil war. It has been a civil war for quite awhile now. Enough with the bullshit semantics. Accept it.
  2. If the US leaves, there is zero hope for the civil war evolving into anything but anarchy. Anarchy is an open house to any nutjob with enough nutjobs behind him to take over. When nutjobs take over, you get a dictatorship. The only nutjobs around are religious fanatics that will make Saddam Hussein look like Thomas Jefferson.
  3. Say what you want about the idiots that got us in this mess. Done? Good. Now, consider that Iraq at its best day could be a rather strategic location to counter the rise of fundamentalist Islam. However, at its worst, it could be Iran’s butt boy. I’m not talking about democracy in Iraq. I’m talking about potential for a country that can prove that Islam does not necessarily equal evil. If the US leaves, the scales can only tip toward the worst. Should the US do this alone? No. It can’t. The president needs to stop being a fuckface, tuck his tail between his legs, admit he’s a fuckface and present this to other countries that can help. Either that, or split the country back up into the three smaller countries, like it was before the Brits got the wise idea to “unite” them a hundred years ago.

Of course, I know it’s not as cut and dry and easy as all that. But neither is just plain leaving. The real solution, or at least the first step in obtaining a real solution? The White House resigns. Don’t just buy time until the election. Give the job to someone qualified to do something. (Hey, I never said it would happen. I’m just looking saying that’s the first step to a real solution.)

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