2016 Football Prediction

As I sit here mid-first quarter of the opening season game, it’s hard to consider the future of the season without pontificating on the potential success of last year’s conference champions. So, let’s start with them.


I never liked John Elway. I never thought I’d like him less as the GM for this team than the QB. The ridiculous hubris of this fucking guy. After watching some pregame crap, apparently after Cam Newton got his ass handed to him on soggy paper plate the last time these teams met, Broncos Defensive Coordinator Wade Phillips is a fucking genius, and Gary Kubiak is a really good coach. So, congrats to Wade Phillips for taking credit for the team that was built well before he got there.

And Kubiak… well, you only had one of the best quarterbacks in the league march merrily down the field… oh wait. That guy did nearly jack shit. They converted 1/14 third downs in what was pretty much the most banal Super Bowl in history now that I think of it. Kubiak is the only guy dumb and/or masochistic enough to work for a team that fired their staff because they only went to one championship.

Oh, and one more thing. After they lost their 90-year-old starter, they let their real starter go. So they traded(?!) for Mark Sanchez. Then, a week before the season started, they realized what everyone knew three years ago: Mark Sanchez really sucks. Good timing, guys. You’re the first team to defend a Championship with a QB who’s never thrown in the league before.


To quote Dennis Green: “they are who we thought they were.” Interesting, because Green said that about the Bears and their almighty defense, which I’m pretty sure was coordinated by Carolina’s head coach Ron Rivera. Most people don’t remember that game and love to take the quote out of context to make Green look like a rambling old coot. But he was right.

(Oh, look, Peyton Manning’s shilling shit on tv still. Thanks God. I was afraid he would be insolvent after being the biggest corporate whore for the last fifteen years. Where was I…?)

Right, so Ron Rivera. The Panthers. Luke (why does everyone think he’s the messiah of linebackers) Kuechly. Undefeated. Unstoppable. Got their balls stomped in the Super Bowl by a team that couldn’t convert third down.

SuperCam showed his colors, didn’t he? Look, I get it. No one likes to get their ass beat, but even less people like a sore, pouty loser. Fucking Poutin’ Manning’s had more dignity losing games, and that’s saying something.

Speaking of loser, the one guy who should have been shot, maybe even before that game ended, but everyone still seems to think is a good person: Mike Shula. His game plan for the second half of that game: more. Would’ve been a good idea if the first quarter was worth a shit, and the Broncos defense all simultaneously forgot to show up for the rest of the game.

The sad thing is, the Panthers were doing a good job of running the ball in both halves. Not surprising, since they had one of the best running games in the season. If they tried it more than twice, maybe Cam wouldn’t have spent most of the game on his back. But, why look at what’s working? Just shove what you want to do down their throats. And when the score differential gets desperate, guess you’re going to have to pass even more. Hey, Mike: next time, just post your play calls on the jumbotron so we know where Cam will get destroyed. Oh, and special shout out to your dad. We haven’t forgotten about his post-season coaching genius either, the cunt.

I’m not saying the Panthers were all bad last year, but they were not as good as their record. A lot of talk, a lot of lip, and a soft schedule in a soft division.

Suffice to say, I don’t expect the same for either team this season.


AFC North

Division: Pittsburgh

If the Steelers can pull their players out of rehab or the wheelchair, they’re the team to beat. If not, the Bungholes and Cravens can piss it out. On a side note, I don’t know if Hue Jackson’s a bad coach: time will tell. But fuck, dude. The only player they kept was Josh McCown? I mean, hat’s off for supplementing the Fed’s Witness Relocation Program, but what the hell are you trying to accomplish? New rule: if any team this year does worse than Cleveland, that coach should have one of two options: kill himself or become the head coach of the Browns.

AFC East

Division: New England

Goddamn I hate Roger Goodell. If the Pats can get their O-line solid, I think they’re legit contenders for the Bowl, even with a four game handicap. Barkevious Mingo will be the steal of the offseason, and I think the Patriots are going to be the darkhorse on defense that no one pays attention to. Consider the Jets for a Wild Card. Consider the Bills and Dolphins for your standard shadenfreude incompetence. (Now there’s two Rex Ryans on the staff?! HA! BTW, your dad was a fucking asshole, too.

AFC South

Division: Houston

It’s divisions like these that make me hate how the post-season works in the NFL. I dunno. Fuck it, Houston, Jacksonville, Indy and Tennessee, in that order.

AFC West

Division: Oakland

I’ve said enough recently about the Broncos and in the past about the Chiefs to give this much thought. Oakland, Kansas City, Denver, San Diego.


NFC North

Division: Green Bay

Um, Minnesota lost their quarterback, Chicago never had one. The Lions don’t have a head coach. The Packers don’t really have any receivers, but that didn’t stop Aaron Rodgers much last year. Packers.

NFC East

Division: Dallas

None of these teams deserve to be in the post-season. What the fuck: Dallas, Washington, Philly, Giants.

NFC South

Division: New Orleans

I’m a little biased, but I really think the Bucs are the best sleeper team in the league. Not that they’ll be amazing, but I wouldn’t be (massively) surprised if they pulled a wild card. Their week three preseason offense really displayed what these guys are both capable of and looking to do. Granted, they played against the Cleveland Witness Relocation Program, but still. And hell, even if Mike Smith is damaged goods, he can’t possibly be worse than Lovie Smith and his nepotistical band of under-qualified fuckwits.

I have a big question mark over the Saints. I just haven’t seen them replace the talent they’ve lost. And the Falcons…. yeah, um, no.

NFC West

Division: Arizona

This is a two team division. If Seattle’s o-line plays like last year, and without a running back, I expect a dominating defense, and not much else. It’s Arizona’s division to lose. After collapsing in the post season like they did, it’s a make or break year to see if Arians has what it takes to be the difference between a good coach and a great one. I heard the Rams have a running back. I’m still boycotting my once favorite 49ers. If Chip Kelly was as smart as everyone said he was, he never would have taken a job from that (dis)organization. P.S. get a fucking quarterback.



Arizona over Green Bay


New England over Pittsburgh

Super Bowl

New England over Arizona. Because fuck Roger Goodell.

Did I mention I’m a New England fan?