Denver

I never liked John Elway. I never thought I’d like him less as the GM for this team than the QB. The ridiculous hubris of this fucking guy. After watching some pregame crap, apparently after Cam Newton got his ass handed to him on soggy paper plate the last time these teams met, Broncos Defensive Coordinator Wade Phillips is a fucking genius, and Gary Kubiak is a really good coach. So, congrats to Wade Phillips for taking credit for the team that was built well before he got there.

And Kubiak… well, you only had one of the best quarterbacks in the league march merrily down the field… oh wait. That guy did nearly jack shit. They converted 1/14 third downs in what was pretty much the most banal Super Bowl in history now that I think of it. Kubiak is the only guy dumb and/or masochistic enough to work for a team that fired their staff because they only went to one championship.

Oh, and one more thing. After they lost their 90-year-old starter, they let their real starter go. So they traded(?!) for Mark Sanchez. Then, a week before the season started, they realized what everyone knew three years ago: Mark Sanchez really sucks. Good timing, guys. You’re the first team to defend a Championship with a QB who’s never thrown in the league before.

Carolina

To quote Dennis Green: “they are who we thought they were.” Interesting, because Green said that about the Bears and their almighty defense, which I’m pretty sure was coordinated by Carolina’s head coach Ron Rivera. Most people don’t remember that game and love to take the quote out of context to make Green look like a rambling old coot. But he was right.

(Oh, look, Peyton Manning’s shilling shit on tv still. Thanks God. I was afraid he would be insolvent after being the biggest corporate whore for the last fifteen years. Where was I…?)

Right, so Ron Rivera. The Panthers. Luke (why does everyone think he’s the messiah of linebackers) Kuechly. Undefeated. Unstoppable. Got their balls stomped in the Super Bowl by a team that couldn’t convert third down.

SuperCam showed his colors, didn’t he? Look, I get it. No one likes to get their ass beat, but even less people like a sore, pouty loser. Fucking Poutin’ Manning’s had more dignity losing games, and that’s saying something.

Speaking of loser, the one guy who should have been shot, maybe even before that game ended, but everyone still seems to think is a good person: Mike Shula. His game plan for the second half of that game: more. Would’ve been a good idea if the first quarter was worth a shit, and the Broncos defense all simultaneously forgot to show up for the rest of the game.

The sad thing is, the Panthers were doing a good job of running the ball in both halves. Not surprising, since they had one of the best running games in the season. If they tried it more than twice, maybe Cam wouldn’t have spent most of the game on his back. But, why look at what’s working? Just shove what you want to do down their throats. And when the score differential gets desperate, guess you’re going to have to pass even more. Hey, Mike: next time, just post your play calls on the jumbotron so we know where Cam will get destroyed. Oh, and special shout out to your dad. We haven’t forgotten about his post-season coaching genius either, the cunt.

I’m not saying the Panthers were all bad last year, but they were not as good as their record. A lot of talk, a lot of lip, and a soft schedule in a soft division.

Suffice to say, I don’t expect the same for either team this season.

Championships

NFC

Arizona over Green Bay

AFC

New England over Pittsburgh

Super Bowl

New England over Arizona. Because fuck Roger Goodell.

Did I mention I’m a New England fan?