The 1st 2015 Draft Pick Predicted

[vc_row no_margin=”true” padding_top=”0px” padding_bottom=”0px” border=”none”][vc_column width=”1/1″][text_output]It’s April, which means that anyone who cares about football has nothing to do but ponder [the NFL team with the first draft pick] selecting [whatever QB’s are graduating college and were fucking amazeballs in [whatever bowl game they played]].

In this case, it happens to be the team that plays in my home city.

So brace yourself: here is my prediction for the Bucs’ #1 draft pick:


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QB Tarded

[/custom_headline][text_output]First, let’s accept one fact that no one wants to say out loud, let alone consider. Some teams don’t/can’t know what to do with a quarterback. Primarily, I refer to the Bucs, Raiders, Jets, any team coached by Rex Ryan, and of course, the apparent inventor of QB ignorance, the Cleveland Browns.

I’ll admit, there are teams in the past who have come around. The Patriots weren’t always so QB fortunate. Most people couldn’t mention who started before BritFar in Green Bay. But there are teams that, for whatever reason, just won’t learn what the position does, how it works, who should do it, and who can do it well. The Bucs are one of them. (So are the Bears, now that I think of it, but I’ll come back to that in a minute.) The Bucs are the only team that I know of who had three (count them) quarterbacks who each won a Super Bowl… after they left Tampa. It hasn’t always been for a lack of talent. Is it a curse? Is it ignorance? Who fucking knows? It doesn’t change the fact that the Bucs are QBtarded.[/text_output][image type=”none” float=”right” link=”true” info=”tooltip” info_place=”top” info_trigger=”hover” src=”2509″ alt=”Face of a Franchise” title=”The Face (and spleen) of a Franchise” lightbox_caption=”Chris Simms – the face (and spleen) of a franchise.”][text_output]

And their fans aren’t much help. I remember a few years ago when Brian Griese was 5-1 as the starting QB. When he got injured, you could hear a collective sigh of relief because they finally got what they wanted: Chris Simms, who then took the team 2-3 before getting injured, coming back, sucking some more, getting injured, coming back, sucking even more, and eventually putting us all out of our miseries when his spleen imploded on the field. Tampa had its heart set on Chris Simms and his aw-shucks looks. He sucked, and he never showed any potential, other than being spawned from the seed of one of the most overrated QB’s in history. But Tampa Bay loved him.

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Ditto for Josh Freeman. I’ll admit, I liked Freeman in his first two seasons. Then he fell apart. Looked stupid. And STARED DOWN the receiver he was over-throwing to before the ball was snapped. I don’t know what happened, but if he had any hope, he wasn’t going to improve in Tampa. Didn’t stop the #FireSchiano bandwagon from brandishing their pitch forks in irate ferment. And look how right they were….

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[/custom_headline][image type=”none” float=”right” link=”true” info=”tooltip” info_place=”top” info_trigger=”hover” src=”2511″ alt=”Josh McCown – the face of a franchise.” title=”The Face of a Franchise” lightbox_caption=”Josh McCown – the face of a franchise.”][text_output]Add to this the Bucs’ head coach, Lovie Smith. Let’s count the arrows pointing to hopelessness. Defensive-something-coach for… Tampa Bay. Defensive coordinator to the greatest show on turf (who lost in the Super Bowl.) Head coach in Chicago, with a legacy basically totaling going to the Super Bowl despite Wrecks Grossman, replaced by Kyle Orton and then culminating with Jay fucking Cutler. Came to coach Tampa, where he imported the other McCown in the NFL (because the first one was so good.) Let’s watch some tape of how that went:

recipe for buccess

And I’m supposed to be riveted to this coach picking a QB for this team? Fucking please.

Sidebar – can I point out that Lovie Smith had one of the best running games/backs of a season going into the Super Bowl, and then watched his QB throw 5 straight 3-and-outs? It took 15 straight shit passes before considering handing it off to the RB?! But I digress.[/text_output][text_output]

Truth is, unless you bring in someone who knows what they’re doing (i.e. Aaron Rodgers) with a coach who actually knows what a QB does (i.e. anyone who coached a playoff team), whoever the Bucs draft is terminally fucked.

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It’s Offensive

[/custom_headline][image type=”none” float=”right” link=”true” info=”tooltip” info_place=”top” info_trigger=”hover” src=”2512″ alt=”Mike Glennon – the face of a franchise.” title=”The Face of a Franchise” lightbox_caption=”Mike Glennon – the face of a franchise.”][text_output]Regardless of the quarterback, it doesn’t change one desperately obvious fact: whoever stands behind that center in Tampa may as well start picking out his walker, because Tampa has one of the worst offensive lines in history. Offensive is actually a good way to describe it. I’m not just shitting on them, because it’s fun. I mean one of the worst O-lines I’ve ever seen.

Put Andrew Luck back there, and he’d be forced to retire before the season’s over, probably from one of those wheelchairs you drive with a straw. Likewise for any and all running backs. You think Adrian Peterson is awesome? Let’s see how good he is in a full-body cast after joining the revolving door that is Tampa’s running backs corps.

Think I’m overreacting? Check out this winner, with a four point lead and six minutes left on the clock, what do you do? Well, you sure as hell get into a 3 & 29 situation on your own 1 yard line so this can happen:

glennon finds the endzone

Martin Marietta or Jamesiseissis Winton going to Tampa is about as pointless as Johnny Clipboard (or anyone) playing in Cleveland. The kid’s career will be irreparably ruined the moment he signs that contract. I’m not even learning or spell-checking their names because two years from now, they’ll be irrelevant. Four years from now, we’ll be too focused on the latest Tampa QB draft pick to care.

And no, things won’t change. To date the Bucs have spent their offseason doing one of four things:

  1. Rearranging defensive ends.
  2. Looking to hire defensive ends.
  3. Firing O-linemen and skilled defensive players (that aren’t linemen.)
  4. Talking to James Winston, possibly for defensive end.

The only way the Bucs will improve is if they trade their first pick, rebuild the O-line, and get a QB (please God, not Jay Culter) who already has some experience. I fucking hate Phillip Rivers, but he’d be a smarter choice than relying on anyone whose pro-experience has been primarily spent in a Tampa Bay locker room. The 49ers are wholesaling the whole goddamn team. Go grab Kaepernick. At least he’s won more than two games in a row before. Anything would be better than the path to stupid the Bucs are currently on.[/text_output][lightbox selector=”.x-img-link” opacity=”0.875″ prev_scale=”0.75″ prev_opacity=”0.75″ next_scale=”0.75″ next_opacity=”0.75″ orientation=”horizontal”][text_output]

Image Credits

The face (and spleen) of a franchise. josh freeman sucks josh mccown sucks mike glennon sucks

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