2015 Football Prediction

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Out of curiosity, I tried to find my prediction for last year’s season. Best I could find was a napkin that said, “Super Bowl. Pats over Green Bay.” Sigh. I was so close. I also realized I skipped the season because everything I could think of was a repeat of what I wrote the year before. I guess enough has changed where I can pee freely and with little to no reason into everyone else’s predictive sewage.

Instead of doing a division by division breakdown, I think I’m going to just talk about notable teams, with maybe a few others thrown in. That said, let’s get some things out of the way.

Teams I Can’t Be Bothered to Write About

  • Foreskins
  • Any team coached (past or present) by Rex Ryan
  • Cleveland
  • Chicago
  • Oakland
  • Houston
  • Jacksonville
  • The NFC South*

Dumpster Fires I Can’t Not Write About

Tampa

They could go 2-14. They could go 8-8. I’m not even looking at the schedule. There’s a lot of potential, and potential means maybe, and maybe usually means, “no.” I kinda like what I’ve seen offensively in the preseason. Well sort of. What concerns me is that (former Atlanta / current Bucs OC) Dirk Koetter more or less said he doesn’t think the O-line is a concern. Which got me to thinking: I don’t watch a lot of Atlanta games (because I don’t fucking have to thank God), but I don’t remember them… did they have…. Fuck it. Let’s look it up.

2014 Offensive Line Rankings
25. TB
26. Atlanta

Holy shit! Atlanta’s O-line was worse than Tampa’s?! Wait, There were like 7 teams with a worse o-line than Tampa? Okay, well, now we know why Dirk Koetter isn’t working in Atlanta anymore.

San Francisco

  1. If your coach has the third best franchise record (next to Bill Walsh and George Seifert), took the team to 3 of 4 postseasons and 1 Super Bowl for the first time since the Clinton administration, but you’re going to fire him anyway, because you don’t get along with him, you know what? Fuck you. It’s a business. If you want friends, join a book club. Sure, Harbaugh is a raging asshole. But he was a good fucking coach.
  2. You replaced him with the guy who’s notable achievement is mostly, hopefully keeping his mouth shut. Then, among the rabble of unqualified numbnuts to join him, you imported Tony Sparano (of Raiders and Dolphins fame) and (former Jets/Browns coach, I’m not making this up) Eric FUCKING MANGINA? What the fuck is wrong with you? What kind of douchebag bunch of cuntfaces are you trying to assemble? No goddamn wonder half of last year’s team retired or left. You’d keep more people in the locker room if Nell Carter resurrected, ate a bucket of Taco Bell and took a dump on a flaming picture of Joe Montana in the middle of the room. I honestly don’t know if I’ll wear my Steve Young jersey this year out of pure embarrassment. I officially hate everyone in management/ownership on this team more than the Glazers.

Miami

Every year, these a-holes find a way to shed their best player. This year, it was Jay Feeley. I shit you not: their best player was the kicker.

Division Winners

NFC

    Have you seen Detroit or Chicago?

    Or Carolina. Or Atlanta. Oh, who gives a shit?

    I really hate this division, especially the other teams in it. I just hate the Eagles the least. So… Eagles.

    I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but they will. In other news: Fuck Seattle. Fuck their smug, gum smacking dickhead coach. And Fuck Richard Sherman. They’ve reached the point where the parts are worth financially more than the sum, ergo, a lot of good parts have been sold off. They filled their need for wide receivers with another running back. Because that’s what you do with “elite” quarterbacks. Maybe they’ll rebound. Just not this year.
    pete-carroll

    AFC

      It doesn’t matter who. They won’t last one game in the post season who ever it is. This could be the year the Bungholes don’t even go to the fucking playoffs and we don’t have to hear about how Andy Dalton can’t win a postseason game. The Steelers have a great offense, but their defense is a mess. Their lack of tackling ability frightens me.

      And Baltimore. They’re good enough to annoy your favorite team, and that’s about it. And Terrell Suggs: it’s a matter of time before he does coke out of a hooker’s rectum, gets a new strain of nasal AIDS and then unloads 30 or 40 clips in a Walmart parking lot just because. Or he’ll just watch the majority of the season from a wheelchair.

      Without looking it up, name one quarterback (not drafted this year) who plays in the rest of this division. Nuff said.

      Here’s my theory. If the Patriots cheat, all teams cheat. If you hate the Patriots, it’s because they cheat better than your favorite team does. They do everything better than your favorite team does. People have a very selective memory about how many yards the Colts gave up against the Patriots RBs (one of which they cut, because the Colts were the only team he could run against.) They also have a very selective memory about a lot of the shit that happens on the field that cheating can’t explain. Even if I wasn’t a Pats fan, I’d become one just to spite all the bandwagon knee-jerk fuckheads who blame everything on the Patriots.

      I don’t even know why the rest of this division plays. Whatever. Denver can fuck itself anyway. I’m not a John Fox fan, but any team that fires its coaching staff because it doesn’t win more games in the postseason deserve nothing but horrid failure.

      What's the over/under on how many games Terrell Suggs will spend in one of these?
      What’s the over/under on how many games Terrell Suggs will spend in one of these?

      Wild Cards

        A decent year, rewarded with a wild card because of Green Bay and then they’ll travel somewhere really shitty to play a team that doesn’t even deserve to be there (Carolina), because that’s how the “seeding system” works. Then they’ll lose.

        Because watching Tony Romo lose in the post season is more traditional than watching Troy Aikman getting a hand job from whatshisface in the booth between meaningless trophies on Thanksgiving.

        Whoever’s second best in the AFC north. Don’t like it? Tell someone in the AFC East, South or West to stop sucking.

        It’s hard to not sound like an asshole here, because at least one AFC team not in the playoffs last year will make it in, but seriously, they’re all just… I can’t pick one with a straight face. Screw it. San Diego.

        Super Bowl

        Patriots over Arizona. Because fuck Roger Goodell and all the goddamn douchebag bandwagon fuckwits who scream that the Patriots are all cheaters.