Out of curiosity, I tried to find my prediction for last year’s season. Best I could find was a napkin that said, “Super Bowl. Pats over Green Bay.” Sigh. I was so close. I also realized I skipped the season because everything I could think of was a repeat of what I wrote the year before. I guess enough has changed where I can pee freely and with little to no reason into everyone else’s predictive sewage.
Instead of doing a division by division breakdown, I think I’m going to just talk about notable teams, with maybe a few others thrown in. That said, let’s get some things out of the way.
Teams I Can’t Be Bothered to Write About
Dumpster Fires I Can’t Not Write About
They could go 2-14. They could go 8-8. I’m not even looking at the schedule. There’s a lot of potential, and potential means maybe, and maybe usually means, “no.” I kinda like what I’ve seen offensively in the preseason. Well sort of. What concerns me is that (former Atlanta / current Bucs OC) Dirk Koetter more or less said he doesn’t think the O-line is a concern. Which got me to thinking: I don’t watch a lot of Atlanta games (because I don’t fucking have to thank God), but I don’t remember them… did they have…. Fuck it. Let’s look it up.
2014 Offensive Line Rankings
Holy shit! Atlanta’s O-line was worse than Tampa’s?! Wait, There were like 7 teams with a worse o-line than Tampa? Okay, well, now we know why Dirk Koetter isn’t working in Atlanta anymore.
- If your coach has the third best franchise record (next to Bill Walsh and George Seifert), took the team to 3 of 4 postseasons and 1 Super Bowl for the first time since the Clinton administration, but you’re going to fire him anyway, because you don’t get along with him, you know what? Fuck you. It’s a business. If you want friends, join a book club. Sure, Harbaugh is a raging asshole. But he was a good fucking coach.
- You replaced him with the guy who’s notable achievement is mostly, hopefully keeping his mouth shut. Then, among the rabble of unqualified numbnuts to join him, you imported Tony Sparano (of Raiders and Dolphins fame) and (former Jets/Browns coach, I’m not making this up) Eric FUCKING MANGINA? What the fuck is wrong with you? What kind of douchebag bunch of cuntfaces are you trying to assemble? No goddamn wonder half of last year’s team retired or left. You’d keep more people in the locker room if Nell Carter resurrected, ate a bucket of Taco Bell and took a dump on a flaming picture of Joe Montana in the middle of the room. I honestly don’t know if I’ll wear my Steve Young jersey this year out of pure embarrassment. I officially hate everyone in management/ownership on this team more than the Glazers.
Have you seen Detroit or Chicago?
Or Carolina. Or Atlanta. Oh, who gives a shit?
I really hate this division, especially the other teams in it. I just hate the Eagles the least. So… Eagles.
It doesn’t matter who. They won’t last one game in the post season who ever it is. This could be the year the Bungholes don’t even go to the fucking playoffs and we don’t have to hear about how Andy Dalton can’t win a postseason game. The Steelers have a great offense, but their defense is a mess. Their lack of tackling ability frightens me.
And Baltimore. They’re good enough to annoy your favorite team, and that’s about it. And Terrell Suggs: it’s a matter of time before he does coke out of a hooker’s rectum, gets a new strain of nasal AIDS and then unloads 30 or 40 clips in a Walmart parking lot just because. Or he’ll just watch the majority of the season from a wheelchair.
Here’s my theory. If the Patriots cheat, all teams cheat. If you hate the Patriots, it’s because they cheat better than your favorite team does. They do everything better than your favorite team does. People have a very selective memory about how many yards the Colts gave up against the Patriots RBs (one of which they cut, because the Colts were the only team he could run against.) They also have a very selective memory about a lot of the shit that happens on the field that cheating can’t explain. Even if I wasn’t a Pats fan, I’d become one just to spite all the bandwagon knee-jerk fuckheads who blame everything on the Patriots.
What’s the over/under on how many games Terrell Suggs will spend in one of these?
Because watching Tony Romo lose in the post season is more traditional than watching Troy Aikman getting a hand job from whatshisface in the booth between meaningless trophies on Thanksgiving.
Whoever’s second best in the AFC north. Don’t like it? Tell someone in the AFC East, South or West to stop sucking.
Patriots over Arizona. Because fuck Roger Goodell and all the goddamn douchebag bandwagon fuckwits who scream that the Patriots are all cheaters.