2012 Football Prediction

The NFL 2012 season officially starts in 8 minutes with possibly the two most mediocre teams in the league – Dallas Choirboys at the NFL Home Office Team. I’ve heard reference all day from the media that all the attention has been given to the “other” New York team. No one in the media members has mentioned that the attention has come from the media. Normally, I don’t tend to clump media members as one collective lump, but this is an exception. The media has collectively decided to give that attention, and now it’s asking people outside the media why the media has done what the media has done.

The sadder truth is, after looking at the overall season performances last year, there’s not much reason to give either New York team more or less attention than the other, though there’s not much reason to give either team the attention it’s getting. The Jets finished 8-8; the Giants 9-7. One team won a Super Bowl, but no one knows why; the other signed Tim Tebow, but no one knows why. You want to know why Eli Manning is not treated like an elite quarterback? Because he’s about as average and overrated as Tony Homo, and people don’t consider him an elite quarterback. There are lots of competent QB’s out there – not consistent, not great, not elite. Just competent. Eli is competent about 9 out of 16 times.

So, with that, let’s peruse my NFL 2012 predictions. Consider that the season now starts in 2 minutes, so that’s about how much thought I’m going to put into this, which should give it about 100% as much value as any other season prediction. Okay, maybe I’ll spend 15 minutes on this. I’m recording the stupid opening game, only so I can watch it on principle with a few less commercials and in the rare miraculous event that a dirty bomb goes off on the field, and I can watch it over and over, because I fucking despise both teams anyway.

NFC

North

Judging from last year, this is a helluva division to beat, maybe the best in the NFC. And not a lot has changed. The Pack is back, and I imagine they may be a little sore still from their horrible display during their last game.

Mmm, I’d like to put a little more stock in Detroit, except Calvin “dumbest, most irrelevant nickname” Johnson is the EA Madden coverboy. Not that that alone should tank a team, but it makes you wonder what the hell they do have if he goes down.

Poutylip returns

The plus for the emBEARassed is that Poutylip has Brandon Marshall to throw to again. The bad news is that they have Poutylip, who was in surprisingly good form last year. That was a fluke; I think the lockout threw him off his interception record, and he’ll be back to miserable form this year.

And then there’s Minnesota, which is so desperate to risk the future of Purple Jesus, that they’re trying to start him earlier than they should.

I dunno. The Bears make me a little ill, but I have to think the Lions have some ill will coming to them.

GB

Chi

Det

Min

East

This whole division is full of overrated shit heads. The Champion Team, the “Dream Team,” “America’s fucking team.”

And the Foreskins: overrated, because no one remembers that Shanahan’s teams lose (and I mean lose) when they don’t have a good quarterback. Maybe Griffin III will be a good QB, but not his rookie season.

True story: combine last year’s record for Phi, Dal, and NYG, and you have 1 win over 500. That’s how good all of these highly touted teams are. I can’t be bothered. Here’s a list drawn at random.

PHI

WAS

NYG

DAL

South

Can’t I just put a giant question mark here? The Saints defense and coaching staff is anyone’s guess.

Cam Newton has a helluva lot of talent, but the only talent surrounding him is looking into investment condos in North Miami Beach.

ATL is overrated. They’re a 9-6 team that’s gotten lucky a few seasons in a row.

And Tampa…. My “home” team. Christ. I dunno. They’re still a young team, but that excuse will be old in a couple months, and then we see the difference between young and dumb. They could be 10-6. They could be 1-15. I’ll be generous: 7-9.

NO

CAR

ATL

TB

West

Please Kill Alex Smith

This kills me. My favorite childhood team, the 49ers, has arguably the best defense in the league. They stuck with Alex Smith last year for no good reason, and they didn’t really have much of a choice this season. He sucks. He sucks. He sucks. He’s the fucking Trent Dilfer of the league. He’s only starting because he didn’t fuck up enough last year. He plays to not lose, and I want to drive rusty dildos into his ocular cavities. I don’t care if Colin Kap-per-er-n-fuck it. I’ll call him TWCT (the Tebow who can throw) – I don’t care if TWCT is inexperienced. I’ll take inexperienced over poorly experienced any day. Someone, please, kneecap Alex Smith in a Circle K parking lot.

The rest of the division isn’t worth the time.

SF

SEA

STL

CAR

AFC

North

If this year’s anything like last year, this division kicks some ass, and they have a fairly dainty schedule this year. BUF, NYJ, MIA, SD, KC, OAK, and of course CLE. Okay, so except for CLE, it’s a pretty dainty schedule.

Purple Bert

If Purple Bert can throw to someone on his team besides Sidney Rice, BAL could go to the Bowl. They’d better, because everyone else on the team is about to start attending each other’s funerals after this season.

I’ve heard great things about the Bungholes, though, I’m just not seeing it. Not in this division. They’ll find a way to fuck it up.

And the Stillers…. I don’t know. That O-line looked mighty craptacular during the preseason. I also don’t know if that crazy wino they hired for OC has any real skills, let alone the capacity to communicate with The Ben. Plus, sadly, no more 86. But they always manage to beat BAL. Hell with it:

PIT

BAL

CIN

CLE

East

A little more mmph

I’d feel a lot better about this if Tom Brady could run a 2-minute offense. They have all this goddamn talent, and they played the most mediocre fucking Super Bowl in history. I’m not talking anti-climactic. I’m talking stale, unmotivated, conservative, boring fucking ball. This team needs a shot in the ass. Maybe that cheating scumbag they rehired for OC can do it. Oh, and a defense that ranks somewhere above 31st would be nice, too.

Buffalo, Buffalo, Buffalo. I’ll give them enough to beat NYJ, because they deserve it, and NYJ has already been talked about enough this year, so they deserve to be disgraced, hogtied and sodomized like the tick-ridden whores they are.

And MIA still stands for M.I.A. I vote them 2nd to worst team in the league, only because they get to play the Cardinals.

NE

BUF

NYJ

MIA

South

I’ve heard tell that TEN has some kind of contender possibilities. News to me. I really don’t have a lot to say about this division that isn’t obvious.

HOU

TEN

JAC/IND – tie

West

Meet the New Boss

This whole division rides on when/where Peyton “That Commercial Whore” Manning gets paralyzed below the chin for life. Truth is, any team that can go 8-8 with the QB’s they had last year stands a pretty good chance of doing better with Pey-Pey.

Fuck Phillis Rivers and that scrotum head coach.

Oakland: now that evil vampire owner has been replaced by his latent Peter Pan son… ah, the hell with it. I think someone should get some props from being a dusty knock off from a Beyond the Valley of the Dolls sequel.

I’ve also heard KC was real injury prone last year, so that’s why they’re rebounding this year. That also explains why they fired their coach.

DEN

OAK

SD

KC

Playoffs

NFC

GB

CHI

PHI

NO

CAR

SF

AFC

PIT

BAL

NE

HOU

DEN

Championships

AFC – HOU @ NE

NFC – NO @ GB

Super Bowl

NE over GB (I’m sure I’m wrong, but I’m tired of watching fucking NFC teams beat my favorite teams in the Super Bowl.)

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