To anyone reading this who may be a buyer working at The Gap,
Heard you were having a bit of a problem keeping your stock up. Have you considered another 10 years of fruity pastels and neo-retro stripes that will make people look like obnoxious fuckwits? Just a thought, but I have a feeling that business plan would really take off.
To anyone reading this who may be a buyer for any other mall-vending male clothing store,
I live in Florida. There are plenty of thriftstores here. If I want to look like I raided someoneâ€™s dead grandpaâ€™s closet, believe me, I can replace my whole wardrobe for what youâ€™re charging for a pair of boxers.
I know what some of you are thinking. I was thinking it for a minute, too, when I walked out of any number of stores at the mall: â€œShawn, this is the first step of getting old. Youâ€™re just not hip any more.â€
First, I never was hip, so ditch that thought. Second, my desire to not look like a shmuck from a 1973 JC Penny catalogue is not remotely indicative of getting old. Itâ€™s indicative of my getting really tired of everyone thinking itâ€™s cool to look like an Easter egg on the Love Boat.
And while Iâ€™m talking clothes, hereâ€™s a little tip for ANYONE still wearing a Napoleon Dynamite shirt:
Youâ€™re a putz.