To anyone reading this who may be a buyer working at The Gap,
Heard you were having a bit of a problem keeping your stock up. Have you considered another 10 years of fruity pastels and neo-retro stripes that will make people look like obnoxious fuckwits? Just a thought, but I have a feeling that business plan would really take off.
To anyone reading this who may be a buyer for any other mall-vending male clothing store,
I live in Florida. There are plenty of thriftstores here. If I want to look like I raided someone’s dead grandpa’s closet, believe me, I can replace my whole wardrobe for what you’re charging for a pair of boxers.
I know what some of you are thinking. I was thinking it for a minute, too, when I walked out of any number of stores at the mall: “Shawn, this is the first step of getting old. You’re just not hip any more.”
First, I never was hip, so ditch that thought. Second, my desire to not look like a shmuck from a 1973 JC Penny catalogue is not remotely indicative of getting old. It’s indicative of my getting really tired of everyone thinking it’s cool to look like an Easter egg on the Love Boat.
And while I’m talking clothes, here’s a little tip for ANYONE still wearing a Napoleon Dynamite shirt:
You’re a putz.