The Truth About Malcom Glazer

Fact: if you look carefully in old paintings inspired by God to the artist where Satan is depicted, you may notice small gnat-like creatures usually around Old Nick’s ass. These “mythological” creatures essentially serve the purpose of crawling up Satan’s anal cavity, much to his pleasure, and rifling through whatever goodies may be stuck up there. The gnats are looking for bits like corn and whatnot, which will be rationed off as rewards and culinary delights to special deserving residents of Hell like Richard Nixon. There are many terms for these creatures, mostly in Latin, but the modern nomenclature is Rectal Vulture. While they look like gnats, most things do in the true scale of an archangel like Lucifer. In fact, when these Rectal Vultures roam the earth, they’re roughly the size of genetically deformed, dwarven men. While they are hideous both in form and in their mannerisms (especially their impish attempts at speech which resemble Sylvester the Cat with a mouthful of maggots), they are capable of passing themselves off as humans. Such is the art of Satan’s magical ways.

Sometimes the Rectal Vultures will span entire human life-terms on earth, occasionally aided with special incentive from the Lord of the Underworld himself. A good example of an earth-bound Rectal Vulture is Malcolm Glazer.

This is the only conclusion I can imagine, for he has somehow accomplished the previously impossible venture of Jedi-mind-tricking stock holders into ignoring his colossal debt and amassing enough cash to buy the controlling portion of Manchester United. While this sucks for the UK, I’m fucking delighted.

Over the years, I’ve had problems with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Some of this had to do with their courting of highly overrated but useless athletes, like Keyshawn Johnson, Brad Johnson and the true embodiment of undeserved arrogance, Martin Erratica. But most of my contempt was political. From the cahoots of Tampa Sports Authority to the raping of the fans’ trust, to a deal to get the city to pretty much pay for a stadium and to pay people for it to happen, all of it has revolved around one hub of graft, hubris and fraud – Malcolm Glazer.

However, over time I’ve grown to like the Bucs. They acquired the second best coach in the game, who began changing the strategy of the team and promoting and demoting members much in the way I had hoped. The only thing that keeps me from being a complete fan is Malcolm Glazer, and now there’s hope he won’t be around either.

For Glazer to pull off the near-ownership of Manny U., even with the assistance of Satan’s accountants, he’s going to have to trade something off. It’s basic math. According to the figures, he shouldn’t have the capital to own both teams, and now that the Bucs aren’t the team they were five years ago, it wouldn’t be unreasonable for the Rectal Vulture to pawn the Tampa franchise. If he retained both teams, then it’s only evidence that he’s been promoted to Super Duper Colonel Rectal Vulture, for there will be no other reason to explain it.

As for the future of a Glazer-less Bucs team, I’m sure many people will worry. Most of these people will be what I call New Fans. Not that there’s anything necessarily wrong with these fans, but many of them didn’t care less about the team until they were Super Bowl bound. True, they are fans, but not of the caliber of the Old Fans, the ones who wore jerseys even when the team nearly went two whole seasons before winning a game. The Old Fans are the ones who had season tickets for twenty years, until a certain Rectal Vulture ignored their loyalty, deleted their seniority for tickets, and reduced them to the same peasant anonymity he reserved for everyone else in the Bay. Most Old Fans are used to a losing team and will support them regardless. However, many of the people throwing temper tantrums and accusing Gruden of running “Dungy’s team” into the ground are going to be the same who scapegoat anyone they can, because they can’t wrap their heads around the fact that all great teams go through a period of suck. These are the same people who don’t know that the Packers blew goats for nearly two decades before the Brett Favre/Mike Holmgren years. That didn’t obstruct the Cheeseheads from their loyalty. But I digress.

My point is that the Bucs, like all teams that didn’t win the trophy last year, are in transition. They want to win the big game too. Doesn’t mean they will, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t trying their best. They can do it just as well, if not better, without the grubby shit-stained hands of Malcolm Glazer. True, all sports teams’ owners are vile. Ask Jon Gruden. They’re some of the most ethically deprived businessmen who drag their knuckles across the planet, and there is a special place in hell for them. But only one of them is a Rectal Vulture. If you thought the Brits hate the Yanks now, wait’ll they get a load of Glazer. I can only hope it’s a matter of time, and if I’m right, then I’ll be a total Bucs fan.

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