The Whiner of the Week Award
I live in Florida. The city I live in isn’t in the tropics, but it’s damn close. This is the time of year when we’re most likely to be hit by a tropical storm, hell, maybe even a hurricane. So here’s my question: WHY DO PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT THE RAIN?!?!
Allow me to explain something to those Florida residents (who probably migrated here) who love to whine about the rain. It rains here, if you’re lucky. Rain brings good things, like water and wind, maybe a good light show. Not only does it clean house, but it cools things down.
Let’s go back about two years. This is probably before you moved here, so I’ll explain. Tampa was in a drought for about two years. When London or Seattle don’t get rain, it’s generally a good thing. It’s nice out, for once. Tampa, on the other hand, doesn’t get droughts, and it showed. Our little pavement wonderland heated up like broiler with about a dozen wet towels in it. All those lovely trees that keep everything cool and shady in Old Tampa struggled. Foliage died, the rivers (and water supply) dried up, and dust enveloped the city. It was impenetrably gross, disgusting, and oppressive. Eventually, even the idiots and whiners wondered aloud, “Why won’t it rain?!”
Y’all whined like little girls during the past winter, too. People in Georgia were building igloos to keep warm, but you whined like it was the next Ice Age. And I said, “Shut up, you idiot. We get 10 months of summer. Enjoy what we call ‘our other season.’”
Short-term memory motherfuckers. You can’t even remember back to July – y’know that one month we’ve had this summer when it didn’t rain? The month when you walked outside, and vital parts of your anatomy stuck to each other. Wasn’t that lovely? You could have made mercury shoot out of a glass tube if you held a thermometer remotely near your crotch or armpits. And you came inside, in the air conditioning, and you whined, “Oh my god. I think I’m dying. Why is it so hot outside?” I’ll tell you why. NO RAIN, ASSHOLE.
I know, I know. “But, it’s so humid outside.” It’s kind of like the tropics, isn’t it? Which is funny, since we’re… kind of near the tropics. No kidding. Grab a globe. It’s humid here. It’s humid anyway, dipshit. But it’s more humid when it doesn’t rain. Remember this: you didn’t have a problem moving here. I have no problem with you leaving.